Painful Numbness
by Angel Nat-Chan
Summary: What would happen if instead of Darien forgetting and Serena remembering it was the other way around? sorry about the bad summary


_Dear Diary,_

_I feel so numb, like a part of me is missing. It's like something huge happened and I can't remember it, and it's left this huge void within me that it should fill._

_I cut myself again. Mom, Dad and Sammy left and I couldn't take not feeling anything anymore, so I got the blood-stained knife out from the bottom of my underwear draw and started cutting my arms. I'm not trying to kill myself, I'm just trying to feel something. They came home sooner than I expected so I stashed the knife and ran to the shower to wash away the blood. I just can't take it, I feel so ashamed and I have to hide the marks from my parents and Molly. Sorry about the smudges, I didn't realise I was crying._

_Sorry about not continuing before now, my Mom came in and I had to pretend I was okay. I have to do that so much. Pretend to be happy. It's only when I'm on my own I can show how numb I really feel._

_Those four girls were staring at me again today, I really don't know what their problem is. Molly thinks they're jealous, I don't believe her. Darien actually called me by my name today, I almost thought he didn't know it, it was very weird. Oh, well._

_Thanks again for listening to me._

_Luv ya xxx_

_Serena_

I saw Serena again today and she looked so depressed I didn't have the heart to tease her and make everything seem like normal. I also saw something I had hoped was my imagination; knife scars on her arms, some of them fresh. I'm terrified of what she's doing to herself and I wish I could help make her feel better. God, I miss her! And most of all I miss my bubbly, happy Serena.

The girls have told me that not only doesn't she remember being a scout, she doesn't even remember who they are. Any of their attempts to talk to her fall flat, and Molly keeps them away from Serena because Molly can tell there is something wrong with her.

I can't believe how lost I am without her, and I don't mean Sailor Moon. The scouts and I are coping without her, but I can't seem to cope without Serena. I miss spending time with her at the arcade, and her coming round to my apartment to watch movies, and most of all I miss having her beautiful smile directed at me.

I hope to God I can make her stop hurting herself.

Oh, there's Serena. God! She looks so depressed. I've got to do something.

"Hey Serena."

She looks up with a small smile. "Hey Darien. You know, until yesterday I thought you didn't even know my name."

"Well what can I say? Meatball head was easier."

Her smile gets bigger. "I guess."

"You want to go to the arcade? I'll buy you a milkshake."

She perks up instantly. "Let's go!" she exclaims excitedly, grabbing my hand and dragging me there.

"Order whatever you want," I say as we walk through the door.

"Really?" she asks, her beautiful blue eyes widening.

"Really."

She squeals in delight and I can't help but smile at her.

We slip into a booth together.

"You've seemed kind of down lately Serena."

"You noticed?" she asks looking up and subconsciously turning her arms over to hide the scars.

"Yeah."

"This isn't for pity is it?" she asks looking at the food.

"No. I did this to make you smile."

Her smile brightens.

I take her hand in mine. "And I know that whatever it is, it isn't worth hurting yourself over," I say turning her arm over to show the scars.

She pulls her hand from mine and hugs her arms to her chest.

"I won't ask," I state gently. "I just want you to know that you can talk to me if you want to. Now eat up or your fries will get cold."

Serena smiles and hurriedly returns to her food.

Well, I've tried to help. There's nothing more I can do now.

_Dear Diary,_

_I actually felt something other than numbness today. But you know what the weird thing was? It was because of Darien. He was really nice and brought me food and a milkshake at the arcade. He'd noticed that I was down, and the scars and he didn't make me feel ashamed, just told me he was there if I wanted to talk._

_Thanks for listening to me._

_Luv ya xxx_

_Serena_

I wonder if I'll see her this morning? I hope she feels better.

"Hey Darien! Wait for me!"

I turn to see Serena running towards me. She places a cardboard cup in my hands.

"This won't make up for everything you did for me yesterday, but I got you this coffee."

"Thanks Serena," I say with a warm smile.

"No, thank you Darien," she says with a serious look on her face before running away.

_Dear Diary,_

_God I can hardly write, the page is so tear-stained. I thought I was getting better, but, oh God, I'm not. I've got the knife in my hand and I want to slice my arm again and again and watch the blood flow. No one is in the house to hear me scream _

I'm sitting on the couch in my apartment watching a movie that's just reminding me of Serena when I hear a loud banging on my door. I open it to find Serena with tears trailing down her face.

"Serena! Come in," I say ushering her in and closing the door behind her.

She throws herself at me and wraps her arms around my waist, sobbing uncontrollably into my chest. I willingly, gently, lovingly take her into my arms and rub her back soothingly.

She breaks away from me. "There's something wrong with me Darien," she states still sobbing.

I take her into my arms again. "Everything will be all right."

She breaks away from me again. "No it won't."

I cup her face gently in my hands. "Listen to me. Everything is going to be all right."

She shakes her head and brings the knife out from behind her back. "There's something wrong with me Darien. I want to hurt myself, I haven't since the other day at the arcade, but I want to." She bursts out in a fresh wave of sobs.

I gently take the knife from her hand, go to the kitchen, and hide it in a draw. I go back to her. "Now I'm assuming you used that knife repeatedly so your Mom wouldn't notice."

She nods.

"Then now you can't do it without her noticing."

She nods again, still sobbing. I take her gently into my arms again and quietly ask her, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

She nods her head against her chest.

"Go make the calls you need to," I say releasing her.

She clears her throat and dials a number into the phone. I can only hear her half of the conversation.

"Hey Molly. . . Can you tell my Mom I'm sleeping round yours tonight . . . Darien invited me to stay round his. . . What? . . . There won't be anything to tell. . . Okay, okay, whatever little there is to tell I'll tell you. You sure it's okay? . . . Thanks Molly."

"Everything set?"

"Yeah, Molly's telling my Mom I'm round there."

"You didn't ring your Mom?"

"No. If I rang my Mom I'd have to lie to her, but I didn't have to lie to Molly."

"Fair enough."

I look at her, tears falling from her eyes, trying to look strong, and my heart melts all over again. "Come here," I say softly, taking her gently into my arms. I lead her to the couch and have her sit down with me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask quietly.

She looks up at me with watery eyes. "I don't know why I do it or why I want to, I just can't seem to stop." Her tears fall faster. "It's just. . . I feel so numb and when I'm left on my own I just can't take it anymore." She hides her face in her hands and starts sobbing again.

One of my hands strokes her back while the other strokes her hair until her sobbing quietens. She mumbles something against my chest.

"What?"

"I don't feel numb when I'm around you Darien."

"I'm glad."

"I haven't done it since the other day at the arcade, I thought I was getting better, then the next thing you know the knife is in my hand and my force of will is the only thing stopping me."

"And then you came to me," I state stroking her cheek. "Whenever you feel that way come to me. I might not know what you're going through, but I can stop you, and comfort you, and take your mind off it."

She takes her hands away from her face and looks at me. "You mean it?"

"I wouldn't joke about something like that," I say brushing the tears off her cheeks.

"Thanks Darien," she says laying a gentle kiss on my cheek.

"You're welcome," I say unable to resist taking her chin in my hand and capturing her lips with my own.

_Dear Diary,_

_I know it's been ages_ _since I wrote in here._

_I'm much better now. I took Darien up on his offer. At first I went round because I really did feel that way, but later it was just an excuse to see him. We'd sit and watch movies, and talk, and kiss a lot. We've been together for a few months now._

"What are you doing?"

I look up to see a very gorgeous Darien leaning against the door frame. "Just writing."

He sits behind me and wraps his arms around me. "Well don't take too long. You know I'm hopeless without you," he comments kissing my neck. "What are you writing about anyway?"

"You."

_Where was I? Oh yeah, we've been together for a few months now. I no longer feel numb, I feel warm and happy and loved._

_Oh, and those girls just wanted to be my friends, and Molly was worried about me so she wouldn't let them talk to me. Amy, Rae, Lita and Mina are now my best friends along with Molly. And then there's Darien._

_Thanks again for listening to me._

_Luv ya xxx_

_Serena_


End file.
